The only guy I'd sleep with on Tinder has already slept with me.
It’s a situation that’s bound to happen. You’re watching back episodes of Lost on Netflix and wishing Jack Shepard was real, and smack in the middle of a hard left-swipe-a-thon, all of a sudden you accidentally NOPE a Christian Bale doppelganger. Or was it actually Christian Bale? Whoever it was, he was hot, and now you’ll never get the chance to break the ice with some kind of bitchy comment that would undoubtably make him fall in love with you.
So, you slow your NOPE roll. After much deliberation, and three more swipes that consume the entirety of a pedicure’s time, there’s another hot face just waiting to be hearted… but wait- this person has slept in your sheets and used your Sonicare toothbrush, not once, but consistently during the month of July ‘12. You heart him, he writes back, and you rekindle. It’s a horrible premise for a romantic comedy YOU’RE WELCOME, HACK WRITERS IN LA. It’s fine. You can chill out knowing that you’ve taken down the only person who’s got it going on in the Tinderverse, but he’s actually not part of the Tinderverse… he’s just fucking around, like you. Plus, now you can revisit that flame and ditch the stage five clinger who cries during sex. Plus PLUS if he got a better job and a house with a pool since your last roll in the hay. Everybody wins on Tinder… unless you’re a total loser, so kind of not.
Please screenshot and submit fugs, guys with babies, guys posing with hoards of sluts, questionably straight frat bros, girls stuffing hamburgers in their face, etc… Basically, give us your poor, your dicks, and your ugly. We will post it and crown it with a caption.